Growing up, we’re taught that our parents only want the best for us. And yet, sadly, for many people this is not the case. Some parents always put their own wants and needs first, lacking the empathy and protective instincts towards their children that we associate with parents.
In fact, they’re like overgrown toddlers: self-obsessed, always over-reacting, unable to deal with differing opinions and pros at emotionally manipulating others.
As a clinical psychologist with 35 years of experience, my clients have repeatedly spoken to me about this dynamic – of having a pathologically immature parent who cared for them in practical ways, but failed to meet their emotional needs because they were too preoccupied with their own emotional wellbeing.
It became such a common theme that it led me to coin the term ‘emotionally immature parents’ (or EIPs for short) to describe this situation. My insights have clearly hit home. My books on how adult children can deal with their emotionally immature parents have sold more than a million copies and appeared on bestseller lists worldwide.
Because the legacy of growing up with an emotionally immature parent can be profound, many children of EIPs find themselves beset by low self-esteem, anxiety, depression or bad dreams – and even in adulthood, it’s hard to escape their control.
Lindsay Gibson’s books on how adult children can deal with their emotionally immature parents have sold more than a million copies and appeared on bestseller lists worldwide
EIPs are masters at getting you to feel things that are to their advantage and put their needs above your own – controlling you by inducing fear, guilt, shame and self-doubt. And, unfortunately, they are unlikely to ever change their ways.
This means even after they’ve left home, many adult children of EIPs find themselves stuck reacting to their parent’s every whim and demand, no matter how unreasonable, in the hopes of keeping the peace.
But this isn’t sustainable, or healthy; you cannot give up your own life to appease a parent.
Given all of this, you might expect me to say that the children of EIPs would do best to cut off their parents altogether.
But while I believe these kind of parents have fundamentally ignored their emotional responsibilities toward you, that’s not to say you can’t have a relationship. After all, it’s natural to want a connection with your parent, however they may have treated you.
So how can you foster a healthy bond with an emotionally immature parent?
The key lies in how you choose to behave. You can improve your relationship, but given they are unlikely to change their ways, the onus is on you and how you react to them. Here are my top strategies for getting the best out of an emotionally immature parent – without sacrificing your own wellbeing in the process…
DON’T FOLLOW THEIR LEAD
You’ve likely had a lifetime of feeling that your emotionally immature parent holds all the power. In order to make your relationship feel more equitable, try calmly taking the lead when facing a challenging situation with them. For example, when a parent tries to take over or impose their advice, you could say: ‘Well, that’s a good idea, but it’s important for me to think this through for myself.’
Or, if a parent gets angry, you can tell them: ‘We’re two grown-ups now. How are we going to have a respectful adult relationship with you talking to me like that?’
Ultimately, it’s self-defeating to follow the lead of emotionally immature parents when they’re not capable of responsible and respectful behaviour. And it’s not doing either of you any favours if you don’t put a better way to behave into practice.
DERAIL THEM WITH KINDNESS
Emotionally immature people thrive on the power they wield over others through their ability to provoke a reaction and manipulate emotions.
In fact, this is often the only way they know how to make a connection with someone close to them. But if you respond to their angry, aggressive or hysterical behaviour calmly, it often comes as such a surprise it derails their hostility. If you don’t react, you’re not allowing them to continue to be angry.
And once you understand that their unpleasant behaviour is just a pathological cry for attention – rather than a response to a specific issue you’ve caused – then it gives you the freedom to react to them in a calm way.
DON’T TRY TO RESCUE THEM
Emotionally immature parents will often sulk or act as if they are the hurt party, prompting you to rescue them. But if you always jump in to pacify them, you are encouraging more guilt-inducing behaviours.
For instance, my client Sandy had a very emotional mother, who would withdraw in tears to her bedroom when something happened she didn’t like.
Sandy would follow her mother, asking what was wrong and trying to make her feel better.
Sometimes her mother would prolong this attention by refusing to talk until Sandy had persisted for several minutes. Sandy was understandably tired of this pattern. So the next time it happened, she went to her mum’s bedroom and said: ‘I can see you’re really sad. I’m going to let you work it out.
‘When you’re ready, I’ll be downstairs, and we can go shopping like we planned. But I want you to take as much time as you need to feel sad.’ With this new approach, Sandy stepped out of the rescuer role. She empathised with her mother’s feelings, but let her know this wasn’t something she could fix for her.
When her mother came downstairs 15 minutes later, Sandy just smiled at her and said ‘Ready to go shopping?’
There was no attempt to change her mother’s emotions, she was just given a choice: go for a fun outing, or stay upset.
ADDRESS THE PROBLEM NOT THE PERSON
While calm interactions are ideal, there are times when anger feels necessary.
One of my clients, Bethany, blew up at her elderly father, who had been treating staff at his care home very rudely.
EIPs are masters at getting you to feel things that are to their advantage and put their needs above your own – controlling you by inducing fear, guilt, shame and self-doubt (file image)
But rather than merely telling him that he had behaved badly, she confronted him with the consequences of treating people this way: that he might be asked to leave this home and end up at a much less nice facility.
What was key was that Bethany didn’t shame her father or attack him for his history of difficult behaviour – she focused on this specific issue.
The confrontation didn’t change her father’s personality but, to Bethany’s amazement, it led her father to apologise to her and the staff.
ONE INTERACTION AT A TIME
Improving an entire relationship probably feels overwhelming, particularly when you know your parent is unlikely to change their behaviour towards you. By focusing on only one interaction at a time, you will feel much more effective and less discouraged if things go badly.
To avoid falling into habitual roles and old resentments, try interacting with your parent as if they were an acquaintance you had recently met socially – having no expectation that they would meet your deeper emotional needs.
Looking at it like this might make you feel sad, initially, but the goal here is simply to have a better relationship, not the perfect one.
Recovering From Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (£15.99, New Harbinger) lindsaycgibson.com
